Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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