I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
