you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
