i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
