What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
