i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
