My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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