wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
