oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
