it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
