Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
her facebook's as public as her vagina
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
