Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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