We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
