i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
