i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
