Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
