I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
