Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
