i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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