guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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