ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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