I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
