I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
