i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
