I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
