My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
