a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
