I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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