Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
