My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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