We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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