You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I will be naked everywhere
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
