I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
