in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
All the doctor said was why
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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