i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
