I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
