At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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