i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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