i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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