when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
