what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
