Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
