he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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