so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
