I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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