i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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