Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
