I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
