so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
