Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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