You really coming over, don't trick.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
