Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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